At the end of last year, I was part of an online challenge to find a defining word for 2017. Through beautifully designed writing and reflection prompts, I would arrive to choose BLISSCIPLINE as my north star for this new year.
The mix of discipline and bliss was, at first, as strange of a blend as pineapple on a pizza; but then, just as we unexpectedly grew fond of Hawaii pizza, I too became intrigued by this concept. I intuitively knew this word and the perspective it brought could reconcile two sides of me who were at war forever: The Rebel and The Planner.
So what is blisscipline? While blisscipline is not really a scientifically coined term, the sense it most often gets is this one:
it is the committed perseverance of taking actions towards one’s happiness.
Basically, as I like to say it, it is discipline for a good cause.
Why would we even need this word?
Well, I don’t know about you, but for my Inner Rebel discipline doesn’t only sound completely unexciting, but it also makes me feel like stepping into a prison cell.
Many of us associate discipline with a loss of freedom and of joy. The root of this has a lot to do with the way we were raised at home and in school, where we had to do things without having a why. When we were rarely asked how we felt or what did we really want.
Slowly, under the still vivid impact of our young years and our own continued persecution of “should’s” and “have to’s”, discipline became the consistent way through which we pushed ourselves to do things we did not really want to do.
And this is why blisscipline is a more gentle and balanced approach to the same subject.
Blisscipline, motivation and success
First and foremost, to connect discipline with our happiness transforms something that we felt was mandatory and imposed from “outside” forces into something we choose to do. As human beings, we are particularly jumpy and defensive when being told what to do. (If you have any doubts about this, just remember how you felt the last time someone told you to “get your life straight”, “find someone and get married”, “have a child”, “quit that job”, “take that job”, etc. ) Hence any commitment that comes from personal choice rather than pressures and obligations is more likely to receive the best of you and actually end up being successful.
Second of all, there is a unique quality about taking actions that derive from our deepest values and desires – in short, intrinsic motivation. It has deeper roots, it is more enduring and self-renewable than extrinsic motivation. The latter is a rather needy, unreliable companion.
Two types of bliss
We use the term blisscipline very enthusiastically, but we need to get real about something here – we cannot like every single thing that we do. It is simply not what real life looks like, so clinging on to this ideal only brings frustration and disappointment.
This is why I want to make a powerful distinction. When we talk about bliss and happiness, we need to acknowledge the 2 sides of this coin: one is hedonism, the second is eudaimonia. The hedonist approach to happiness essentially means happiness by pleasure, while eudaimonia is happiness by purpose. Hedonism is about pursuing anything that gives us pleasure in the moment, whether it is eating burger and fries followed by a 500 calories dessert, binge-watching series, browsing the web, postponing work, etc. Eudaimonia is about pursuing activities that serve a purpose; it tackles personal fulfillment, achievement, and meaning. Take the example of someone who trains 6 months for a super challenging marathon or someone who studies for years to become the expert they dream of becoming. This type of happiness can be experienced as a pain in the ass for a long time, and then as a powerful download of self-respect, pride and sense of accomplishment.
Truth is we, people, need both medicines. While hedonism is instinctual and thus takes no effort, too much of it and we end up feeling low self-worth, and doing nothing to create the life we want. We are at the mercy of our own sensations and craving. Too much focus on eudaimonic happiness ends up with overwhelm, anxiety, and the cohort of physical and psychological affections that come with the package.
That is why we need to include both perspectives in our talk about blisscipline. Blisscipline is, at the same time, a commitment to doing the things that tie to your higher purpose and big wins in the future, but also about planning our happiness, health and pleasure. Yes, you read that right, planning your pleasure.
So what to do?
So if you are like me and are looking for a more balanced way to discipline, I want to give you some tips. No, they are not about calendars and schedulling tools. That would be just scratching the surface and spraying perfume to cover up the dust. I want to share with you the mindset shifts and high-win actions that are proved to bring results:
- What are you tolerating? The reason why we sometimes refuse to be disciplined even when it serves us so much it’s because we have used our willpower cents on things that don’t matter. More specifically, our discipline muscles might be exhausted because too many times, we say yes when we would rather say no. We do too many things that we do not like and, at the same time, too little of those things that bring us joy. So take a couple of minutes and write down an uncensored rant about all the things you are tolerating.
- Start saying mindful NO’s. I wrote an entire article about why I think NO is one of the best tools for growth and happiness. But now that you are aware of the things you would really rather not do, take them out of your life, one by one, slowly. You don’t have to go hardcore on this and completely change your life, but just experiment with saying one extra NO every day. No to going out when you are actually really tired; no to talking someone behind their backs, no to betraying your values. No to additional work when you are already overwhelmed.
- What are you deprived of? Much like any living organism, we rely on energy and refueling to keep on keeping on. Our fuel is not only food and rest – our food is also: joy, love, creativity, exploration, diversity, challenge, mental stimulation, connection with self and others, play, laughter, freedom, time spent in nature, etc. So much like before, write down an uncensored rant about all the positive emotions, states and experiences you feel deprived of
- Start saying mindful Yes’s. Take at least 30 minutes everyday to do something that makes you really happy. We might be tempted to choose TV/laptop/phone related actions. Please DON’T. These kinds of activities don’t recharge you, they actually numb and deplete your energy. Take a long bath. Take a walk in the park. Read a lovely book. Give yourself a massage (or get one from a professional or a loved one). Go dancing. Ya know, whatever makes you squeak with excitement and giggle. Bonus level – ask yourself as many times as you can remember during the day: What do I need right now? And then give yourself that. Expert-level!
- Face your fears. Lack of discipline is sometimes just one of many masks for fear. Isn’t it so much easier to postpone and to avoid doing the things that really scare me? Is part of me thinking that my dreams are actually too big for me and I self-sabotage myself with lacking discipline? Am I afraid of success? Is a lack of discipline the socially accepted way to express my loathing for my job? Notice where you are least disciplined in your life and ask yourself: What am I actually hiding from? What am I avoiding? What am I finding so difficult to feel? What am I scared of?
- Take responsibility for your life. Sit with yourself and find out what you want from this life. Some of you might frown upon this and might be thinking “Yeah, like that is so easy to do…”. It might be easy, it might be not. But you don’t have to give a response that should be valid for the rest of your life – just give yourself permission to contemplate this question: “What do I want to do at this time in my life?” Not what is easiest and safest to do – what do you really want (there might be a whole world of difference between the two.) Look, luckily, our minds and bodies are designed to let us know when we neglect our happiness and our desires. Apathy, depression, anxiety, even most forms of illnesses speak of needs you haven’t granted a response to. So tend to your desires and goals if you are looking to feel balanced and happy – there is no other way.
- Consider the consequences of your actions. Yeah, being in the moment rules! There are times, though, when we need to think about the future in a very simple way: if we continue to do what we are doing now, what results are we going to get? Are the actions you focus on the ones that will help you get what you want? It’s as simple as that. Forget planners and schedulers. Simply ask yourself this question at the beginning of every month/week/day – what is the highest impact action I could focus on right now? And then, you know… JFDI (just in case your unfamiliar =Just Fucking Do It)
- Continuously repeat steps 1-8.
Look, it’s not complicated. We only complicate our lives when we don’t do what we want to do, don’t say what we mean. When there is disconnection between what we think, feel, say and do. So get in alignment with yourself. Start having more productive dialogue with yourself – listen deeply, be curious to learn about what you want, what you need, what you fear. And remember to always feed both the pleasure and the meaning monsters.
